


Falling too fast to prepare for this

by chocoCate



Category: Final Fantasy VIII
Genre: Aftermath of Violence, F/M, Mention of Panic Attacks, avatar AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-23
Updated: 2018-03-23
Packaged: 2019-04-07 02:50:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,026
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14071296
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chocoCate/pseuds/chocoCate
Summary: Avatar AU. After a vicious attack, the Avatar's identity is revealed. Squall has to deal with the aftermath, even if this requires him to be more open than usual.





	Falling too fast to prepare for this

**Author's Note:**

> Warning: I have never suffered from severe panic attacks. In my description I tried to be as true as possible to my research on the topic, which of course is quite limited. 
> 
> I tried to be as faithful as possible to my interpretation of Squall's character, which should be similar at his stage by the end of Final Fantasy VIII. Any comment or criticism would be deeply appreciated.

The light of dawn softly illuminated the room. As he became more and more aware, Squall realized he had fallen asleep in the infirmary. He had been in the place enough times not to be alarmed by the different surroundings while he awoke, but the perspective of being in one of the chairs instead of in the bed was confusing him in that delicate moment of adjusting to the world, enough that it took him a little more than necessary to gather his wits about him again.

It certainly was not like him, to be in this sort of position. He rationally knew that Rinoa, seemingly asleep in the cot next to his chair, was not at risk, that there were people continuously taking care of her and that they would contact him in the immediate moment she awoke. However, when the previous evening it had been the moment to leave her, alone, he had found out he didn’t want to. Instead, he had let sleep overtake him there.

It was also not like him to fall asleep in public or semi-public places; however, since the attack, he had been battling between random moments of panic, with his heart frantically beating as though he had to run for his life, and moments of inescapable tiredness. It was clear enough that the latter had gotten to him, when he didn’t have much interest in remaining awake.

“It is shock” doctor Kadowaki had told him.

He didn’t care about what it was; he just wanted it to go away. He had listened with maximum attention the instructions doctor Kadowaki had given him to get past the shock, intending to follow every single step of the way. He didn’t need this nuisance in his already complicated life. What he needed was Rinoa to wake up and ease the odd ball that had formed into his stomach since she had stopped responding. Thinking straight had been a difficult chore since then.

Next to him, she looked peaceful. He doubted she would look that way on her awakening. He doubted she herself _knew_ she was the Avatar. She couldn’t have kept the secret with all of them; if nothing, Squall could trust her with her honesty. It was one of the things he had learnt to appreciate about her, even if it had brought so many arguments, especially in the early months of their acquaintance. Rinoa did not tell lies, not even by omission, and – hiding being the Avatar? – that was a big omission.

Besides, Squall was certain that, if she had known it, she would have run around the world helping people long ago. Her scarce ability in waterbending had been just enough of a deterrent to keep her in Garden.

The others, when the moment of shock had passed, had agreed with his thoughts.

“But how?” had asked Selfie, “How did she not know?”

Quistis had intervened after a small pause of reflection. “I don’t think she has had much use of the Avatar powers until now – she’s not one to solve things with the use of violence.”

“That’s true.”

“She must have been enraged when she saw Squall like that,” Quistis had continued. Everyone had looked at him, making Squall want to be invisible.

“I was” had interrupted Zell.

“Everyone was” had corrected Quistis with a small glare at the earthbender. “But I think that was what awakened the Avatar-sense, let’s call it that.”

They had stayed in the infirmary for the entire afternoon, Squall suspected more out of concern for him than for Rinoa. The attack and the consequences on his body aside, he knew he had been behaving unusually ever since Rinoa had fallen into the comatose-like state. Quistis had lingered more than the others, and had departed with what she called ‘an advice’.

“She’s going to feel guilty about the attack. Try to be sensitive, ok?”

It had taken him a while, but now, in the crystalline air of the early morning, he thought he probably understood. The attacker, a tall middle-aged woman, had not been looking for him, but for the Avatar. It had been his fault to underestimate the situation – why hadn’t he found the encounter in the middle of the unexplored woods, in the proximity of just one small city, in the _one_ moment when he was alone and away from the group, more suspicious? – but Rinoa was the type to take it on herself.

Squall, however, did not share the sentiment; instead, he was feeling strangely relieved the woman hadn’t got to Rinoa first. What she had done to him had been painful beyond measure, but he, having grown in the Garden, training in his firebending against Seifer without any mercy, at least had been able to take it and to leave on his own – wobbly - limbs. Rinoa, selfless, honest Rinoa, had lived among the elites of the waterbenders until a few months ago, and wouldn’t have had the energy to resist.

Squall shuddered, feeling his heart beating fast, too fast, his breath shortening and cold sweat all over his body. The mysterious woman had controlled him, moving his limbs like they weren’t his own but hers to command, with some strange, inescapable bending. She had hurt him until his throat had been raw from screaming, thinking he was the Avatar, trying to activate what she called the “Avatar state” while he was in her control, trying to use him to destroy the nearby city for revenge.

Squall forcibly tried to calm his breathing as doctor Kadowaki had showed him. Slowly he started to feel better. He calmed down, remembering that the others had head his screams and found him soon enough. That was when Rinoa’s eyes had become all white, and she had manipulated all four of the elements to stop the woman. The attacker had been too late, however, in realizing her mistake, and couldn’t control Rinoa.

As Squall thought about it, his eye caught Rinoa shifting in her bed, finally waking up. He immediately straightened on his seat, more attentive than before.

As she leisurely opened her eyes, Squall felt like he could breathe normally again. Rinoa looked around the room, much like Squall had done the first times he had wound up in the infirmary trying to comprehend where he was, and then her stare fixated on him.

"Are you ok, Squall?" was her first question. Gone was the slow relaxation of the awakening - she was looking at him with an intensity that usually made him feel in the spotlight and made him want to run away. But this time, he did not want to cower.

"I am fine." he said. It didn't come out quite as he wanted to - instead of sounding calm and reassuring, it sounded cold and detached, the same tone that once upon a time had made Rinoa lose her patience, the proverbial last straw.

He was, in fact, expecting her to be angry at him, but something worse happened: her eyes became glossy, almost on the verge of tears.

"I am so sorry, Squall!" she cried. "That woman... she was looking for me. A spirit possessed her, using the want for revenge, knowing that the Avatar was nearby but not who was the Avatar. She thought... she thought it was you." Tears were now escaping her eyes, her breath more and more erratic. "And now- I am the Avatar" she added bitterly, "and it will get more and more dangerous, with that spirit looking for me. I don't want to put you, all of you in danger. Squall, I am so sorry." She repeated, placing one hand on his.

It wasn't her fault, just an untimely reflex brought by the lingering effect of his previous panic attack, that Squall removed his hand without wanting to. Rinoa however, couldn’t know, and withdrew her hand and curled up into a ball, as she usually did when she was upset.

"I guess it's farewell time." She said, resting her head on her knees, then murmured, "I don't want to."

Squall felt, again, out of his depth. She made logic sense, but the farewell sounded bitter to him too. Quistis' advice ringed in his ears, "try to be sensitive". It was high time, he guessed, to do something that didn't make logical sense but that, in some mysterious way, was right.

He slowly, uncertainly, caught her hand again. Rinoa looked at him in confusion. She did not look beautiful, with her hair tousled by sleep, eyes red, tears running through her white cheeks, lips in a frown, but he still found her attractive. It wasn't even her most important quality; her honesty, her selflessness, her naivety, her courage, were all traits that made him desire to have her at his side. "I don't want to say farewell, either."

Rinoa's eyes widened in surprise - something Squall would feel proud of much later, as it had always been her to catch him off-guard - and her hand trembled within his. He continued, looking away from her, feeling too exposed, but also liberated. "Us - me, Quistis, Selphie, Zell and Irvine, are strong enough to help you. We will not abandon you, and they will say the same if you ask them. So..."

"I understand," she interrupted him just as he couldn't think of more to add, with a tremulous tone that he couldn't interpret without looking at her. So Squall turned to her. Rinoa, still red-eyed, with tears on her cheeks and tousled hair, was looking at him and smiling. His hand didn't seem to be enough for her, as she suddenly jumped to hug him.

"Thank you, thank you, thank you!" she said, as he awkwardly leaned on her too. It felt nice, her warmth around him, feeling the vibrations of her body as she spoke, the feeling of fabric and her soft curves under his hands, as much as he wasn't used to it.

"It... it is nothing." he stuttered.

She seemed to remember then about his general dislike of body contact, feeling his awkwardness and withdrew. Even if he had liked it, Squall felt quite relieved the hug had finished. "Sorry, sorry" she said, sounding lighter and not at all bitter. "It's just... I feel so relieved!”, and laughed. "You mean it, don't you? You never say things you don't mean."

"I do." He quietly said. "I... I don't want you to leave."

"Thank you." Rinoa stretched on her bed, looking first at him and then at the ceiling. "When I looked like I was sleeping, I was into the spirits world. They explained a lot of things to me, but I couldn't stop thinking about you, how were you feeling after the attack and how mad you would be at me. I was worried. But now... Now being the Avatar seems less scary."

While she was still crying, Squall made no move to stop her. Just a few months ago, he would have been annoyed, mostly because of his inability to comprehend what was going on, but now, as Rinoa held his hand again, he wasn’t. Looking at her smiling while she tried to wipe her tears, he understood them for what they were: another way to express her relief at not being abandoned by her friends.

He was improving. His relationship with Rinoa was improving. And maybe, he suddenly thought, if they worked hard enough, the future wouldn’t be so bad too.

As the light of the day illuminated all the infirmary, Squall decided to enjoy this moment of peace while it lasted. Soon enough all the others would barge in and cause a ruckus, smothering Rinoa with attentions and annoying him. Probably Zell would cause a real earthquake and Selphie a small tornado in all of their excitement, causing all of them to be thrown out and having to rely on Irvine and Quistis’ eloquence to get in the infirmary again. Most probably by lunch time he would be so annoyed that he would unintentionally set fire to something.

Even so, feeling Rinoa’s hand in his and looking at the spark in her eyes, now and maybe again in the future, was worth it.


End file.
